Skirts On Fire

Le Nez

stimms I’m starting to become more and more aware of my nose in my peripheral vision. Is it possible my nose is growing gigantic? 11-12-15 12:35 PM

 

In the small town of Ahtchu, Wisconsin, there lived a small boy.  He was a happy child, no doubt due to growing up with a thoughtful mother and a thinking father.  His mom taught him not to throw stones at the red-haired boy in his class and his dad lecturing him nightly on good grammar and punctuation.  He ate his vegetables and the crusts on his toast and grew up tall and strong just as his mother said he would. One day he was looking in the mirror and was taken aback to see that his nose appeared to be bigger.  He examined it closely from multiple angles and then decided that maybe it was just one too many late nights trying to comprehend the proper use of a semi-colon, his mortal enemy.  He smiled at his ridiculousness and went off to bed.

The next morning he brushed teeth after a delicious bowl of Cheerios(tm) and recalled his suspicions from last night.  He peered again into the mirror and sure enough, his nose was even bigger than the night before!  Wildly confused, he opted for another round of denial, thinking it was most likely just the onset of craziness - shame that gene didn’t skip two generations, poor ol’ crazy Uncle Bartholomew.  With a sigh, he walked away from the mirror and prepared
for another day at school.

He continued to ignore the growth of his nose as day after day it grew and grew.

He stopped looking in mirrors and shiny surfaces.

He ignored his new ability to smell the delicious cooking from Home Economics classes at the other end of the school as well as the bewildered looks of his classmates.

He left the lights off in the bathroom while he brushed his teeth in the evening.

Until he just couldn’t pretend it wasn’t happening.

That night he stared up at the ceiling, wondering what the hell was going on.  Worried.  Why hadn’t his loving mother said anything? Sure she was tactful but the extra 4″ of nose wasn’t really, you know, reasonable.  What was wrong with him??

11pm.

Midnight.

1am.

2am.

Sadly, sleep just wasn’t going to waltz blissfully in.

2:14am and he heard a little taptaptap at his window.

He sat up with a start.  What was that?!?  Quickly he walked over to the window and peeked out between the blinds.  He gasped as outside his window a little fairy waved and smiled brightly.  He stared and the fairy, paused, and then made a motion for his to open the window.  I must be dreaming, he thought, sliding the window up the casing.

“Hey, how’s it going?” the fairy greeted him, casually breezing in on fluttering wings.
“Um, I’m ok” he replied blinking rapidly, trying to either awake or get his brain to function properly.  Did Uncle Bart ever talk about fairies???

The fairy landed with a tiny thud on his pillow.  ”So about your schnoz…” the fairy began.
“Did you do this??” the boy accused.
“What? No, jerkface! But I know who did” she replied.  What is with these kids? Didn’t Disney teach them anything about fairies being good and not evil…
“Who?” he demanded.
“Seriously kid, isn’t it obvious? It was the Corporation, that’s who” she explained with an eye roll the size of Big Sky National Park, which is definitely not to be strip mined fyi.

He paused, “Which corporation?”
The fairy glanced around, suddenly feeling exposed,
“the…the…Kleenex Corporation.”
More blinking.
“The Kleenex Corporation?”
“Shh, keep it down will ya?” she scolded, “I just recently got that Charmin bitch off my back, I don’t need the Kleenex guys trailing me too.”

He sat there dumbfounded. This must be a dream.  Did he have cheese before bed??

WIth a deep breath and sigh, the fairy explained, “Every few years some environmental group gets all up in arms about how wasteful Kleenex is and they go on a huge PR kick about how everyone should buy hankies instead yada yada.  Two months ago, a new campaign kicked off and of course Kleenex sales are waaay down.  The stockholders are flipping the f out. So they hired Sheila to put a spell on you to make your nose grow.  They figure if they can get one person to have a nose 100′ long then that should cover the losses to the treehuggers b.s.”
“Sheila? Who’s Sheila?” he asked, because of course that was most pressing part of what the fairy just said.
“My evil twin, duh.”
“I see.”

He thought and he thought and he thought some more.  Late night comprehension and understanding just don’t come easily to anyone.  He started pacing around his room.

Choosing to just go with it, he moved onto the obvious question, “So how do I undo the spell?”
“Oh, that part is easy! All you have to do is track down this girl named Sarah and bake her cookies.”
“Who the hell is Sarah??”
Another eye roll, “she’s the one who loves cookies.  I don’t understand, were you dropped on your head?  Your mom must be clumsy.”
“Hey, back off my mom!”
“Yah whatever, anyhoo, I need to go, pedicure appointment in an hour.  Good luck with the cookies!” and with that the fairy flew away.

The next day, eager to try anything to reduce his nose, he asked his mom for her chocolate chip cookie recipe.  It was his favourite so maybe this Sarah person would like them too.  A little while later, the whole house was filled with the smell of deliciousness as the freshly baked cookies cooled on a wire rack.

dingdong! said the doorbell.

He opened the door to a smiling girl and said, “Lemme guess, you’re Sarah?”
“Hells yah! Now where my cookies be?” she exclaimed.
“Right this way” and he escorted her to the kitchen table.
“Milk too! Stat!” she demanded grabbing two cookies at a time and cramming them into her mouth.

In no time at all the cookies where gone with only a few crumbs and and empty glass remaining. ”Not bad, not bad.  Definitely better than the ones last time round,” she burped contentedly.  She stood up and walked back to the door, letting herself out, slamming the door behind her.

All of a sudden he felt this sharp pain in his face and heard two loud cracks.  Just as the he thought the pain couldn’t get any worse it subsided and then disappeared completely.  His nose!  Could it be?!? It felt smaller!  He bolted for the bathroom and sure enough his nose was back to normal!!  He danced around the house, cheering and laughing.  Such a pain when there’s no one around to high five you.

He lived out the rest of his days happy with his correctly-sized nose, which he nicknamed Terry.

The End.

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